Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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