Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
