And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
