yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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