the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
