if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
