im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
