Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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