dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
