when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
