I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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