I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize