I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
