so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize