I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
