im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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