How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
