fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Don't make out with my wife yet
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wish you could order shots online.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
