you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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