and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
