I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
