u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
