The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
time to smoke my breakfast
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
