I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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