theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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