Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
