I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
