Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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