Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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