Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
