you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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