Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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