The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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