she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
