I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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