weddingsv make me drug and hornr
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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