if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize