I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize