Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
3 2 1 whiskey
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
