I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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