Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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