she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
