I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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