Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You are the jesus of drinking
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
