Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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