I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
