The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
