I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
