If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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