3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
