I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
