She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he was CRYING into my vagina
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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