Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
