i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
