I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
