this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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