She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
