I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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