Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
