getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
