There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
