we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize