so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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