anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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