You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize