i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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