I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
