my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
