Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
