So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You are the jesus of drinking
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize