You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
