The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
