woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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